The shit, the fan, the whole damn thing

My last post concerning syntax was accidentally deleted by my own hand; at first, I thought this to be an act of providence, as it would save potential frictions twixt me and Caroline, who, as previously mentioned, was instrumental in getting me here.
However, today we had our first tutorial on x-bar theory 'proper', and all my resentment bubbled to the brim once more. Now, let me not be the proverbial stubborn mule- I kindly asked the tutor if she could explain the reasoning behind adding in an extra X' after every P (if you don't know X bar theory this will make no sense to you- and so you'll be in the same position as those who do); she launched into a long-winded and frankly disorienting diatribe which, if my understanding is correct, which is by no means certain, came down to 'because other phrases can be inserted into this phrase'. I fail to see how this is not accounted for in regular syntax trees, and, Lord knows, I never thought I'd be defending the common garden syntax tree.
And, guess what, later in the tutorial, the tutor herself expressed her distaste for the theory, exclaiming, and I quote

"But why?! When I'm talking to my friends I don't say 'this is the specifier and this is the NP, so there's an N' and....ARGH!"- My tutor, today ALSO Anyone studying x-bar, ever

See? This woman, who has a PHD, IN SYNTAX, cannot fathom the reasoning behind this stupid theory. Wanna know why? Cos there isn't one. It's not based on reason. It's not only illogical, but anti-logical. It goes against commonsense and scientific theory at the same time: it complicates something relatively simple and it changes the data to fit the theory, not the other way around. Because, guess what, THERE ARE NO X BARS IN SPEECH. YOU MADE THEM UP. THEY DO NOT EXIST.
Syntactitians added them to the subject some time ago to try and make drawing syntax trees look like an academic pursuit when it is nothing more than a particularly pointless and ugly form of calligraphy. It's ludicrous, but they've managed to get away with it because the only people in a position to realise this, i.e. linguistics students, the only people who ever use syntax trees and even then only because they're made to, are powerless to stop them because they can just fail us.
I'm telling you, one day Panorama's gonna stop ignoring my letters, investigate this shit and blow this whole industry of terror and frustration wide open.

Yet again, Professor Heycock, I apologise for any offense caused.

The Four H's

Before coming here, I had to attend a lecture wherein I was told that I would go through the four stages of exchangeitude, called the four H's, these were:

• Honeymoon period- where everything is great, all the songs on the radio are about you and you're getting near constant lovin' (mom, dad please stop reading)
• Homesickness- you start to miss your friends, family, more reasonable prices, less noisy birds, more comprehensible accents, shorter games of cards, properly labelled Rice Krispies...
• Hostility- this university is silly, why can't they do more like Edinburgh does? I mean, that's the better system, clearly, so just stop being so contrary, Australia and just do what we tell you!
• Happiness- ok, it has its flaws, but at least there are no squirrels to worry about. I'm content.

I don't know which H I'm in- obviously, I'd like to say happiness, but I don't remember going through hostility ('cepting X-bar, but that's hardly Melbourne-specific), and I'm definitely not homesick (see below), meaning I must be in the Honeymoon period. This is worrying because it means all that other stuff's still to come. I can't imagine what I'll get homesick over (the last time was my bathtub), because I've pretty much replaced all my friends- I just need a Rik and a proper Daniel (Darryl has an accent, but that's pretty much where the similarities end). And hostility seems outlandish- I love it here! The lectures are more engaging (yet again, barring syntax), the campus eateries are more varied...writing this out has made me realise I am definitely in the honeymoon period. Well, damn. However, this does have an upside- I should have a bit of honeymoon left when the Pliant one begins his, meaning I won't feel miserable by comparison. Huzzah.

Quick side note: I skyped the 'rents yesterday, and it was exactly the same conversation we have when I talk to them back home: my mom worries I'm not getting out enough, my dad worries I'm spending too much and they both agree I don't contact them enough. If I'd recorded the conversation and bleeped out proper nouns (oh god, I'm flashing back to X-bar) it would have been indistinguishable from the dozens of other times I've skyped them. But, more to the point, we hadn't spoken for 34 days, and the conversation lasted 47 minutes. My mother said she felt it lasted long, but that it was only because we hadn't spoken for so long. By this mathematics, my mom wants us to talk for 98 seconds every day. Half that, and you've got yourself a deal, mother.
Of course, I shouldn't be so harsh, they are, after all, paying for me to be here (mum's defense, not mine). This, however, will not stop me being so harsh. Huzzah.

There once was a man from Nantucket

My Australian friends took their first look at this little ol' blog of mine a couple of days ago and seemed to take it with good grace; I take this as a sign to continue updating in the relatively candid manner in which I have been doing.
So, to what has your beloved wizard been getting up, I hear you ask. Well, as those of you who follow my twitter will have heard, but probably not comprehended, I 'won free internet using my poetry'. Allow me to elaborate:

'Twas the night of the quiz night

And all through the house

The tension was palpable-

A fire that one couldn't douse

We split into teams, and

Oh me oh my

Two teams wanted a piece

Of the old wizard pie

I had to decide

Between my fellow exchangers

and the rec room 2 crew,

to whom I wasn't a stranger

I chose rec room 2

Since I wanted to seem

Like a genuine Australian

Like one of the team

The prize was quite good;

An internet bundle,

worth thirty five dollars-

It merited a trundle

The competition was fierce,

And I answered a few,

But the exchangers were on fire

And there was little we could do

The foreigners won, 

and my team came third-

For this we got nothing,

Which I felt was absurd

The prizes rewarded;

But there were bundles to spare,

They could still be won

In a classic talent fair

Four of us stood,

Determined to please,

The contest began

When a girl walked on her knees

Both Shane and Logan

Elected to quote

Their beloved Game of Thrones,

Which they've both learnt by rote

But Shane sadly faltered,

His tongue got most tied,

Logan breezed on,

Took it all in his stride

I was next to the bat,

I looked at them all,

Then launched into 'chickens',

And left them in a thrall

It was time for the judging-

"Cheer for your fave!"

They read out my name

And the sound roared like a wave

I couldn't believe it!

My fortunes reversed!

Where once I was a loser

Now I was first

I was elated

As ever I was

Certainly a victory

For the wizard in Oz

And that's how it happened. They like me, they really like me!

What else? Well, I've just come back from a trip to the 'mana bar' (a videogames bar) and a club with the rec room 2 crew. I also went to a hipster bar with Manthy and Milly on thursday; I quite liked it, since the music was halfway decent, even if the drinks were overpriced- however, I don't think it was quite what the two Ms were wanting. I'm also really enjoying my classes at present- all my lecturers are engaging, and the courses they're teaching are really quite interesting. We were talking in Language, Society and Culture about how 'no homo' has allowed young men to express their feelings without being seen as gay (finally!), and Second Language Teaching has been telling me about behaviourist theories and Language Acquisition, which I've always enjoyed. Even Syntax hasn't gotten onto X-bar theory yet, though I'm not hopeful for when the shit hits the fan.
So far, Australia's pretty fly.

It's delovely

So O-week is over and today I started classes. I was in a game of assassins where I lasted a day before I was ousted by a team-up of Logan and someone I've never met before named Dan (who masqueraded as my target, James). Goddamn. All in all it was a successful week, I feel: I made some friends, had some laughs, got some free food and managed to assuege the gnawing solitude I'd been feeling at the bottom of my stomach. Worth the $35, I feel.
Of course, now the real work begins in the form of lectures- I started off with syntax, which is never a good sign and he mentioned X-Bar theory which is ALWAYS a bad sign, but it was mainly an introductory lecture, telling us where fire exits were and who to talk to if our Grandmother dies, etc. The jury's still out, but this is my third time trying to conquer the cold, cruel climate that is syntax and I hope to Helena that third time's a charm, lest I end up feeding myself to a croc. I have another lecture in two hours, which will no doubt be another introduction, but is on a subject that actually piques my curiosity, so my spirits remain elevated for the time being.
What else bears reporting? Hmm. My laptop charger is broken (again) so I'm writing this from the Rowden White Library, which I can't help but feel is a wee bit bohemian. You're allowed to sleep here, should you wish, and they're playing snow patrol, and, shock horror, the librarian's hair is dyed a non-natural colour, so I'm half-expecting to be called a nark any moment.
In terms of typical aussie animals that I've glimpsed, I can add kookaburra and possum to my bingo card, the former gossiping and guffawing around a birdbath and the latter staring down at me from a tree late on friday night. Quite unnerving, actually. I'm also encroaching on two weeks without facebook, which I feel is impressive, as the entire earth is geared towards it, it would seem. (Seriously, my lecturers are encouraging us to use it.) I remain resolute, but I wonder how long this will last. Alack. Anyway, I want to go explore this new library I have found and people are glaring at me for having been on the computer this long. I think I just heard 'nark' being whispered somewhere.
The wizard is out.